entering autumn September 19, 2010

I have a list of beautiful things that I would like to “capture” in some way in a photo. Many of them are more beautiful in the moment in which they are experienced than they might ever be if actually photographed. However, if the list turns out to be “reasons photographs cannot replace the experience of life,” I think I’m okay with that.

One of the things on my list is a falling leaf.

This weekend, I took a long morning walk with nothing but my camera; spending time outside without a timekeeping device is a favorite Saturday pastime haven’t indulged in since school started. I visited my favorite little neighborhood park, where there’s a set of stairs and a wall built into the hill. The way the stones are piled together reminds me of the Irish countryside. I love the way the stones fit together to make a wall. On seeing the low stone walls lining fields and roadsides in Ireland, I remember thinking they looked haphazardly placed; it seemed like sheer luck that the wall didn’t topple over, because the stones were so many different shapes and sizes, and seemed more like a carefully balanced pile than any wall I had ever seen. However, the walls are carefully constructed; so carefully and well-constructed that they can stand for centuries. Sometimes, realizing the work that’s gone into something makes it more special.

This photo is not a falling leaf. As you may be able to see, the leaf is suspended by a long strand of spider silk. However, I think it may be the closest I’ll get to the real thing. And I don’t think it’s any less beautiful, when I remember watching the leaf twirl and spin underneath the tree. It was pretty magical to me.

Experiments in Gardening July 28, 2010

This year is the first time I’ve grown items for cooking/eating.  I got basil very early in the spring from a friend.  Two of the young plants died, but the survivor is thriving. They started out in a big pot; when I went to re-pot the last one, I realized that there was a smaller pot upside down in the big one, so I had been over-watering quite a bit.  My rosemary, oregano, and lavender are from the farmer’s market downtown.  I bought them for about $2 apiece, and they’re doing quite well.  My bag smelled so good when I walked home that day.  I think it’s worth it to grow herbs just for the smell.



My mom gave me my tomato plant.  It spent the first half of the summer in Omaha; since I forgot to bring it to Lawrence after my first summer trip home, I left it there until I finished my job at the College World Series.  There was one tomato ripening when I got it to my apartment; after I picked it, there were some heavy winds and rain that caused the stems to bend quite a bit.  I didn’t have anything to hold them up.  My parents came down, and my mom had the idea of snapping a thin branch off the somewhat intrusive bush next to my patio.  It worked perfectly; I’ve picked one more tomato from it, and there are two green ones waiting to ripen.

My vinca are bright and cheery; my snapdragons, petunias and calibrachoa are yellow and muiltiplying.  I’ve finally gotten my pretty purple (osteosper)mums and my opal innocence nemesia blooming again.

My ornamental pepper is one of my favorite plant choices of the summer, and my fuschia, after teasing me with buds for weeks, is finally starting to bloom.  Ben gave me a jade plant that I keep inside on my office windowsill, and I bought another broad-leafed succulent at the farmer’s market.  They are both growing steadily.

My mom and I planted two pretty flowering succulents.  They are both thriving, but I only saved one of the tags: rio orange purslane.

It hasn’t been all perfect.  I did have trouble with some of my flowers early in the summer.  I wasn’t watering them all twice a day when it started to get really hot.  Since I started, most of them are doing quite well.  I really enjoy caring for my flowers.

I also planted some very pretty yellow flowers (gazania) before coming back in July, and they haven’t bloomed yet.  I looked them up online, and it seems that they are a very drought tolerant plant, so I think I’ve probably been overwatering them.  I’m going to see if I can get some of them to perk up a little if I water them less.  My tuberous begonia isn’t looking so hot, either. I kept accidentally knocking the new blooms off, and I picked some dried-out looking foliage off of it.  I don’t think that was a wise decision; it’s been looking worse ever since.  I’m trying to leave it alone.  I’ve also moved the pot to a place that gets more filtered sunlight, which is supposedly the kind it likes best.

I bought a bird feeder for my patio when I came back in July.  It was on sale, and I’d been wanting one, so I went ahead and splurged.  It was well worth the $12.  I love it.  It took a little while for activity to pick up,  but I had cardinals coming regularly within a week or so.  One evening, I was working on my laptop, and I heard a cardinal chirping outside.  When I looked out the window, two cardinals–a male and a female–were perched on the feeder.  They’ve been back together several times since then.  They are my absolute favorite.  I like to think they are on a little date.

Within the past week or so, the sparrows have been coming to the bird feeder, as well.  They are pretty cute, and much bolder than the cardinals.  They will hop around for seeds that have fallen onto the ground, even when I’m sitting on the patio.  They try to stay on the other side of the wooden railing, but after they’ve gotten their feet wet and realized all I do is try to snap their picture, they hop underneath for a quick peck at the seed inside the patio.

I never realized the bird feeder would require so much sweeping.  I remember the day the feeder started to really get activity, because I went outside to water my plants one morning and thought a squirrel had tried to reach the feeder, knocking seed all over the ground.   I realized that the ground was mostly covered in discarded shells, though.  It’s been like that ever since.  I don’t mind; to me, the extra cleaning is worth it if I have birds to watch.  This morning I had to chase a cat away from my patio, though.  I suppose the consequence of attracting so many birds is attracting things that like to eat birds.  I managed to shoo it away, and I’m hoping it isn’t wandering about regularly.  It was a pretty cute orange cat, but I prefer the birds.  :)

kerfuffling July 20, 2010

I realized I’ve been incorrectly spelling/pronouncing kerfuffle. I thought it was “kerfluffle” (extra “l” after the first “f”), but I was double-checking its definition (something I do a little obsessively sometimes, even with words I use much more often than this one). This evolved into a little looking into the word in various online dictionaries, and I decided to start including fabulous words in my blog, because they make life more fun. So, here we go:

kerfuffle (via the OED):

(kff()l) Also kafuffle, kufuffle, GEFUFFLE. [Variant of the Scots CURFUFFLE n. (perh. influenced by KER-?), now the general form in colloquial use.]

= CURFUFFLE n.

1946 F. SARGESON That Summer 94, I bet it [sc. the domestic row] ended up in a good old kafuffle. 1959 J. FLEMING Miss Bones xiv. 150 The kerfuffle over the stolen jewels last week. 1960 E. W. HILDICK Jim Starling & Colonel viii. 62 Butcher said he didn’t know what all the kerfuffle was about. 1960 A. WYKES Snake Man iii. 38 After this kufuffle was over and we were on our way again. 1965 New Statesman 30 Apr. 693/3 After..some abortive backstage kerfuffles at the National Theatre, Wedekind’s Spring Awakening has scraped past the Lord Chamberlain. 1968 ‘B. MATHER’ Springers xii. 130 In the kerfuffle of the last half hour I had forgotten the poor soul’s personal needs. 1973 K. AMIS Riverside Villas Murder ii. 40 A lot of our readers are going to think all this kerfuffle over an old skeleton being snatched is..a bit of a joke.

There you are.  Use wisely.  :)

Rereading is my Life. July 7, 2010

I used to read all of my books over and over. I remember my mom asking me once, “don’t you ever get tired of reading the same story again and again?” I was literally dumbfounded by the question. It didn’t occur to me that once I finished a book, I was done with that story. I’m still not sure I like encountering stories that way. This is why I like to read so slowly and I don’t do well with the way I have to read for school. I like reading for the whole experience, not the end result. When I get into a book, I get really into it. I pause multiple times per page to reflect on things, and let my mind wander. I pause to create a good visual of the scene in my mind, to ask questions, to fill in holes with my own logic or by using what has been supplied by the author to create an educated guess. I look up words, phrases, historical events, and anything else that I don’t feel familiar enough with. I reflect on some connection between the book and my own life, or, equally interesting, a marked difference. I compare the way the narrator or main characters apparently think and behave with the way I think and see my own behavior, with the apparent thought patterns, world views, and actions of others in my life — both people I know well enough for solid comparison, and people about whom I am filling things in (like I do for many characters in the book). Books are like different worlds to pop into – and I mean that sincerely, even though I know how cliché it is. They can affect my mood, my thoughts, the way I see or think about things after I put them down, the way I think about the things I brought into the reading experience (or whether I think about those things at all; even though I’m a little old for Harry Potter, I’ve read the entire series several times because during a particularly difficult time in my life, entering that world helped me forget about all of the weight that I couldn’t shrug off in my own world).

I used to have a really nasty habit of not finishing books I was assigned in literature classes. Believe me, I realize that this is an unthinkable admission for a graduate student in English. I would take too long, run out of time, and fill in with extra research, skimming certain parts, and taking copious notes in class. I kind of became an expert at it, in a way. I usually added a bit to class discussions (paying careful attention to what other students’ responses could tell me about what I missed, focusing on larger conceptual statements rather than details), and even wrote “A” papers over books I didn’t finish. I perused the unread part for quotes and everything. I find this somewhat horrifying now, because I can usually pick out people who are doing this in classes that I am taking or teaching, and it’s usually annoying (not to mention the papers – it takes a lot of research and effort to successfully do this, and most efforts, my own probably included, fall short).   But the major thing that seems so ridiculous to me is that I should certainly have had time to finish the book if I were doing so much extra work on the paper, right?  The thing is, I’m not sure that I would rather finish some pieces of reading if it means sacrificing my way of reading.

In my first year of graduate school I tried everything I could think of to speed up my reading. I have a lot of essential practices to help me stay on track and get to the end before class time, but part of the problem is that I like to read this way. I like the way I understand the text after experiencing it more slowly and with more involvement. I can speak about it confidently, whereas when I’ve skimmed something I never feel like I’m sure where I read what, whether it was this reading or that, whether I read it or just thought it, etc. I feel like I’ve developed a unique relationship to the text when I’ve approached it “my way,” and I feel closer to the kind of mastery needed to integrate multiple perspectives and issues into a discussion or piece of writing. Often, I won’t feel quite like I can get to work (or return to work) on a project until I’ve reread a significant amount of material to get me back into the proper frame of mind. Basically, I feel like it’s a valuable practice and it’s helped me connect to texts that I never thought I’d find relevant to my own work.  It’s the kind of reading and work during which I love what I’m doing.

Just like the experience of books when I was a kid, where returning to one I’d already read was returning to that world, that experience, returning to texts now is my way of returning to a particular state of mind, a framework for approaching a question or problem. I love rereading, and the more important the text, the more important to reread.

Summer Wandering June 6, 2010

My first big exploration of the summer (meaning, something besides wandering around Lawrence neighborhoods or parks) was a trip to Clinton Lake. Several people recommended it, but I just hadn’t made it out yet during the school year. So, one morning in the last week of May, I got up early, packed up some snacks (I always pack snacks) and my camera and set out. I had looked online and seen a recommendation for Clinton State Park’s hiking; I thought I’d head there, assuming that the lake part of the area was more for boating. As I drove in, I was looking for a visitor center, but the most likely looking building was called something like the “Army Corps of Engineers Project Information Center.”  To me, this sounded like they were doing some kind of building or renovation project, and this was the HQ for that.  However, after driving around aimlessly and seeing no other likely buildings (plus getting very antsy to be out of the car and on the trails), I decided to try it.  As I got closer and parked, I saw a few people milling about next to their cars, with photocopied maps in hand.  Good sign. I walked in and saw no one, so I did my usual super-quick-but-not-so-stealth intake of my surroundings (the one that leads people to think I’m confused a lot), and one of the men from outside walked in.  He was very friendly, and while I was annoyed with his extra questions about what I planned to do at first, he ended up giving me very helpful advice: instead of paying for a parking permit, park on the “free side” of the lake, because the trails connected to the state park hiking trails, and if I didn’t mind walking back when I was finished (I didn’t), then it would be a free trip.  Oh, how I love those super-friendly midwestern types.  This guy made me feel at home.  He was just like I imagine my father would be if he were doing this: as helpful as he could be and a genuinely nice guy.  I left feeling slightly comforted by this; it was like a little slice of home.

Hiking plan and trail map in hand, I set out to discover some natural Kansas.  I started at a scenic overview of the lake, where there were landscaped flowers, several benches, a shelter, and map overlooking the lake from a high point.  I was really looking for wildflowers today, but the blue sky and water behind the flowers was really too beautiful to not take any photos.  I figured it would be excellent practice, as well, since it typically takes me a bit to get “into” photographing.  There was a woman reading on one of the benches, and a family wandering nearby.  I thought it seemed like such a peaceful place for reading.  I used to read outdoors all the time–in the grass, in my “treehouse” (by which I mean two boards nailed into the tree for a seat and a guard rail)–wherever I found myself, I could open up my book and get lost.  Now, however, I often find myself distracted when I try to read outdoors.  I think it’s because I need to have time to be outside enjoying nature before I can concentrate on something else – otherwise, with so many beautiful and interesting things surrounding me, how could I possibly pay attention to a book?

I started down the paved trail, and was wrapped up in the variety of the tall grasses and occasional flowers surrounding me on both sides.  This is why I don’t understand how people think the plains states have boring scenery.  What are they looking at?  When you pay attention to what’s not there, of course you’ll notice emptiness.  If you focus on what is there, maybe you’ll find a world of wonder.  You should at least be noticing more varieties of grass than you even knew existed.  Maybe details don’t excite you.  Maybe it’s just me. I don’t think so, though.  It think it’s something like an environmental optimism or pessimism.

I ended up walking mostly paved path that day.  I tried a few ventures into the trees, but most of the trails ended in standing water or mud.  There had been a decent amount of rain recently, so I figured the water was extra high, and that was okay.  By the time I made my way past the mound vista and along the edge of the surrounding lake, I had caught glimpses of butterflies, wildflowers, and insects.  I even managed to get a jarring splash of cold lake water as I photographed the daisies in the big picture here.  They were just on the edge of the lake, at a low point on the land.  I had crouched down to get a  better background for them, and just as I got the perfect shot lined up, the waves lashed up the little earthen wall at the edge of the land; unimpeded by any outcropping or plants, the water splattered both me and my camera (mostly me, thankfully).

When I got back onto the paved trail, I spent the walk back chasing butterflies.  I spotted a monstrous snake crossing the path, and was glad I hadn’t seen it before I was crunching about in the grass.  It would’ve  made me a bit paranoid.  Instead, I managed to wander about and enjoy the views, both big and small, and I left the lake feeling incredibly pleased with the possibilities that lay ahead.  The summer blooms were just beginning, and I knew that future trips would offer even more to see and do.

Enjoying Summer June 5, 2010

I’ve had a lot of fun exploring in these first few weeks of summer.  When school finished, I went home right away for my birthday, and still had grading to do.  I got back, and had about a week of shock as I adjusted from working all the time and not having any free moments to having nothing to do but look for work.  Don’t get me wrong, looking for work can be like a full-time job in itself, but when you’re used to more-than-full-time business, even full-time makes it seem like time is ridiculously unoccupied.  I took many long photo-exploration walks, rode a mountain biking trail, and tried to take care of errands and job applications.  Since then, my time has seemed to be filling up like crazy.  I’m glad I took some time to meander while I felt completely uncommitted.

Spring June 3, 2010

Well, spring came and went on campus. I was there, not here, obviously. I worked very hard, accomplished a great deal, and am proud of myself for the learning and growing I did. My students were great this last semester, and produced a lot of work that was rewarding to read/see. I grew as a teacher and as a student. I read more than I’ve ever read before. My two final projects were on the uses of digital technology in composition classrooms and identity construction in cyberspace. I hope to continue working on both of them, and eventually tie them together. The not-so-nice thing about working on the projects is that there was an overload of relevant and interesting information. This is actually a great thing, though, and I have discovered how much it truly fascinates me.

I did my best this semester, and I really think I did a good job. I don’t think that my second final project was considered good enough by my professor. I have to keep reminding myself that I worked so hard, and learned so much. I truly felt as though I ran out of time. I want to be able to take certain important lessons from this: what matters, what doesn’t matter, what to do next time, what not to do next time. If I’ve discovered one thing in the past year, it’s that my confidence has a massive effect on my performance as both teacher and student. It’s absolutely essential that I not let one thing disturb my belief in my ability to achieve my goals.

I should admit that I picked a horrible time to write today. I really have to go. I must work on having a purpose or topic in mind, having time to write about it, and understanding that blogging doesn’t require days or weeks of editing and revising.